An Update To My Last Blog: A Little Surprise and The Most Incredible Experience

I honestly don't even know how to start this post, things have not gone exactly as planned over the last few weeks. It's like dejavu - I was just talking about how my plans and God's plans were a bit different in my last post "A Little Surprise and The Most Incredible Experience"... Well it seems that when I think I am starting to understand what He has planned for my life He reminds me that I will never fully understand just what His plans are.


I went in to my "first" prenatal OB appointment for this pregnancy Friday, June 7th and my doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She assured me that this sometimes happens because the baby is so small still and can hide pretty easily but she wanted to get me in to have an emergency ultrasound done just so we could put my mind at ease and I wouldn't have to wait all weekend for some answers. Unfortunately that ultrasound didn't put my mind at ease, instead it relayed information I didn't want to believe. The first words out of the ultrasound technician's mouth were that she was not allowed to say anything one way or another and that I would have to wait for the radiologist to go over the scans and get back to my doctor. That alone told me that the news wasn't going to be anything I wanted to hear. Don't they know those words are a dead giveaway? Then when I asked if she was able to find a heartbeat and she said "No but the radiologist is much more experienced and will talk to your doctor about the results so we don't know anything for sure until then" It only confirmed what I refused to believe.... After seeing my little angel on the monitor, not moving and waiting for what seemed like an eternity I got the call from my doctor. There in fact was not a heartbeat, and I was only waiting for my body to realize that the baby was no longer alive. I was waiting to have a miscarriage. She told me what to expect and what to look out for. I prayed for days for them to be wrong, for there to be some sort of miracle and for my baby to be alive and ok inside of me.... For a whole week I was torn between wanting the miscarriage to happen already if it was going to happen, being completely torn apart and wishing and praying for it all to be some sort of mistake, and for this horrible experience to be some sort of nightmare I could wake up from, not wanting to believe it to be true. For a whole week I could do nothing but wait for the most horrible day of my life yet, and cry, and be angry and ask over and over again "why??". I had just seen the baby's tiny heart beating almost 7 weeks before all of this. Why was this happening??? HOW was this happening?!

... And it all finally happened. Friday, June 15th. I don't want to get too graphic on here but I will tell you, I could not have, in a million years, imagined a more horrific or emotional experience. It has been five days now, almost a whole week, since that morning and I still can't go a day without remembering every last detail. Without wondering why, how and was it my fault??? Everyone tells me that it wasn't and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it but I can't help but wonder anyway. I can't go a day without thinking about that little boy that I will never get to hold in my arms. I will never get to see him take his first breaths of air, smile for the first time, take his first steps... I will never get to know the little person I had growing inside of me for almost 14 weeks... I know to a lot of people 14 weeks isn't a long time, but it is just enough time for an "embryo" (if you read my last post you know I use that term lightly) or rather baby to be fully formed.

I don't believe God had a greater plan or that it just wasn't meant to be, because if that were true I don't believe I would have gotten pregnant and held that baby inside of me for almost 14 whole weeks. I don't know why this happened and I probably never will. I don't know if I will ever stop thinking about what happened on a daily basis or stop being so angry or upset, but I do know I will never forget. I would never wish that experience on my worst enemy and for anyone out there who has or is going through the same thing, I know there are no words that will make it better but I'm sorry. <3

Kayla

A Little Surprise and The Most Incredible Experience

I have been DIEING to write this post! If you haven’t found out already, we are expecting baby #3 in December! Surprised?! Yeah, so are we! Don’t get me wrong, I REALLY wanted another baby, just not quite so soon… I mean Serenity is getting ready to go into first grade and Destiny into preschool… I kinda had “other plans,” or so I thought anyway haha! Isn’t that how these things seem to work though? Apparently God has something a little different in mind…

So now we get to the most incredible experience, you know, aside from becoming a mommy all over again… Seeing a 6 1/2 week old embryo’s baby’s heart beat *April 18th*… Yes, I got to see both of my daughters heart beats on an ultrasound screen but never as early as six weeks! After being pregnant for only a month and a half – Six short weeks – That little life inside of you (that a lot of “prochoice” people refuse to call a life *or even a baby*) has a beating HEART. It is the tiniest little flicker of pixels on a screen, but still a beating heart nonetheless. Getting to see this so early for the very first time completely blew me away. I knew by 6 weeks a baby has a heart, but seeing it beating makes it so much more REAL. I was even more blessed to not only be able to see this with my own eyes but I had a wonderful ultrasound tech who gave me a CD with a little video showing the tiny heartbeat.

*maybe I will post that video later *

Now not only do I get to be a mommy to yet another little energy syphon but I recently found out I get to share the joys with a good friend Cassondra who is going to be a mommy for the very FIRST time! I am SO excited for her! I am also so excited that we are due so darn close together… Try December 1st (her) and December 9th (me)! *No this was definitely NOT planned haha* I am not looking forward to the blood tests, in my opinion that is worse than labor haha!!! I am however looking forward to finding out weather we are having a little boy or another little girl. Either way I’m ok as long as it’s a healthy baby.

Until next time,

Kayla

Game of Thrones from my perspective

So, we were recently invited by Dustin's work to a private premier of the new season of Game of Thrones (season 3 I believe?), not only a premier but a chance to meet a couple of the cast members. We had never seen the show before (we rarely watch HBO), so when his supervisor told him it would be “unprofessional to go without having watched the show before” we decided to give it a shot. I borrowed it from my cousin and we sat through a whole hour long episode last night, and as cool as our offer sounded in the beginning, we are now very undecided on whether or not were going to go.
I couldn’t bare to watch the whole episode. I have never felt so violated in my life and I had to turn away from the TV a few times. I’m sure this is where those of you who watch the show will turn your heads and close my blog but just hear me out. To me, in watching the very first episode of Game of Thrones, I felt it was definitely a “mans” show, about very jealous, disrespectful “men” seeking more power than they deserve. I can’t think of any reason a self respecting woman would enjoy the show (please if there are any of you out there, leave me a comment and share your perspective, I’d like to try to understand). Not only did I feel violated from sheer lack of respect given to women in this episode, but I also have not watched a show with so much nudity! HAHA! Now I probably sound like a total prude, I can assure you I’m not, and again I have only seen the first episode of this Game of Thrones show. I’ve been told it gets “better” but I doubt the plot can get much better and I don’t think I can enjoy watching a show that brings women down so much.

I honestly thought I would like it, so I’m a bit disappointed. I love watching shows set in different time periods and even different cultures. I think it’s interesting to see how different things were and what people were like, etc. I didn’t know I would feel so violated afterword. I just don’t exactly enjoy watching unwilling women get “screwed” *for lack of a better word* by whoever, when ever, as if it’s some sort of game. I don’t find that entertaining and Game of Thrones seemed to have a whole lot of that and even embrace it. Don’t get me wrong, I know that women didn’t really have “rights” back then, I get that. I understand you cant base a show on that time period and give women in the show the whole “equal rights” deal. It just wouldn’t work. At the same time I felt there was just far too much.

So, my major issues with game of thrones are the lack of respect for women *the fact that they are treated like objects only there for sex willing or unwilling which seems to be mostly unwilling in this Game of Thrones show*, and that there is SO much nudity. I can deal with violence and some nudity and even pure jealousy lol. I guess I thought that it would be more about the “Game of Thrones” and less about defiling women… I didn’t know those two went hand in hand.

So, again if anyone out there who watches Game of Thrones would like to inform me of WHY they like it I am all ears and willing to hear you out. Maybe there’s something I’m missing in all of this? Maybe the first episode was not the best episode to represent the whole series? Until next time,

Kayla

Immunization Dilemma

Do you immunize your children to protect them from disease, or do you choose to take that chance and protect them from the immunization it’s self?

Not long ago it was fairly rare for someone to question the importance of immunizations, yet now it’s become quite a dilemma, mainly in children. Which is the lesser of the two evils? This is the question everyone’s asking. It simply depends on who you ask though.

I know this is a topic that is up there with politics, religion, and abortion in controversial status and will always spark strong debate from both sides. Just the kind of topic I choose to avoid discussing on a personal level, BUT (yes, there’s that word…) I am going to go out on a limb and tackle it today. I am going to post my real life opinion along with some controversial facts right here on this blog…

Let me just list a little bit of information on what could be entering your child’s (or infant’s) body…

DTaP: formaldehyde, aluminum hydroxide, aluminum phosphate, thimerosal, and polysorbate 80 (Tween-80).
Act HIB: ammonium sulfate, formalin, and sucrose (or HIB Titer: ammonium sulfate, thimerosal, and chemically defined yeast-based medium).
MMR: hydrolized gelatin, chick embryo, human diploid cells from aborted fetal tissue.
Verivax (Chickenpox): phosphate, sucrose, and monosodium glutamate (MSG), processed gelatin, fetal bovine serum, guinea pig embryo cells, albumin from human blood, and human diploid cells from aborted fetal tissue.
IPOL (polio): neomycin, streptomycin, and polymyxin B, formaldehyde, and 2-phenoxyethenol, continuous line of monkey kidney cells.
Havrix (hepatitis A): formalin, aluminum hydroxide, 2-phenoxyethanol, and polysorbate 20, residual MRC5 proteins -human diploid cells from aborted fetal tissue.
Flu Shield: trivalent influenza virus, types A&B, gentamicin sulphate, formadehyde, thimerosal, and polysorbate 80 (Tween-80),chick embryonic fluid. (Fluvirin: influenza virus, neomycin, polymyxin, beta-propiolactone, chick embryonic fluid.

*You can see where I got this information HERE*

Now this is only to name a few of the most popular. Do you recognize ANY of these ingredients? I mean aside from the obvious and reoccurring formaldehyde because I’m sure we all know what that is. Would you EAT any of this? Would you give your child a teaspoon of any of this? I’m pretty sure that answer was no. If your answer was yes then I recommend looking a few of these things and their side effects up and reconsidering (possibly seeking professional help).

If you wouldn’t eat it why would you inject it into your veins? Or even more important a child's?

I understand, they say the amount of each of these harmful chemicals is minimal, but I’m still not ok with it. There are so many disgusting and awful ingredients listed here but, formaldehyde, really?! We fill dead bodies with that, why would we begin filling our babies with it? Every couple months, every six months, a year, two years, whatever the case. It all adds up. So I ask you, why? To protect your child from a disease? Is it really worth it?

Research on this is so conflicted it makes my brain hurt. One side saying that these immunizations are perfectly safe, the other side saying they can cause (or trigger) things like SIDS, Autism, Multiple Sclerosis, Diabetes, and other life altering disorders that you can’t reverse. I do not know everything about every one of these chemicals and the impact each of them have on the human body, nor am I claiming to, but I do know that I would not willingly put these things into my own body(much less a baby's). I do believe God made our bodies capable of building up an immune system and fighting off disease for a reason. You can argue that (however long ago) people died from these illnesses and the invention of the vaccination was a “God send”. I will only counter with clean water and really clean anything was also scarce, hygiene practices were not what they are today, things like Autism were much less common. Coincidence?

It’s true, by choosing not to get immunizations you have to be more careful, sometimes depending on your surroundings A LOT more careful. But with this said and with my oldest in a public Kindergarten, my children have been sick with more than a runny nose only ONCE in the last year and a half and even that passed rather quickly. I don’t keep them in a bubble and I don’t limit their exposure (we go to places like Chuck E Cheese *GASP!*), we simply practice good hygiene habits, wash our hands after being in public or after touching something dirty, and before eating.

Again, everyone has their own opinion on the subject and is going to do what they feel is right for their family, this is simply what I chose. I will always remember what a lady said after she was done telling me why she chose not to and that is:
”I would rather my child get sick from something I didn’t do, than become permanently damaged from something I did do.”

Kayla

Comparing what we have

Do you ever run into those people in life where their entire life just seems “perfect” somehow?
I do, I do quite a lot actually. I know, I know, I really shouldn’t try to compare my life to others because I truly don’t know what happens “behind the scenes” or what they had to go through in life to get to “that place,” but it’s really hard not to notice.

I notice, compare, and even start to envy… I really should be ashamed, I know, my life isn’t bad by any means and I really have no room to compare my life to theirs but in the moment, I can’t remember any of this. All I know is that I “wish” I had whatever it is that they have. A better “this”, a newer “that”, a life where everything seems easier and less stressful. The latter is the most difficult for me though. I don’t really mind not always having “newer and better” but in the midst of a stressful day at home (or really wherever) I find my self thinking about how *enter random name of the day here* seems to have it all together and I feel like I’m struggling to barely make it every day. Struggling to get out of bed every morning to start my day, struggling to stay positive and not let frustrations get the best of me, struggling to get the every day “supposed to be easy stuff” done, struggling to get my laundry caught up, struggling to keep up with never ending dishes and keeping two kids fed and healthy. It looks pretty darn easy for some people, yet no matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to cut it. I feel like I’m taking on the world and just somehow seem to keep falling a little more behind every day.

Don’t get me wrong, I am insanely blessed and I know it. I get to be a stay at home mother and wife, I have a husband who makes this possible and I don’t have to worry about where our next meal (or rent) is coming from. Not everyone has these luxuries. I know I am incredibly blessed, it’s just way too easy to forget that while “looking” into others’ lives, comparing mine to theirs. I mean really, who am I to compare my self like that anyway? I do believe it’s a sin to envy someone (or their life) because you wish you had something they have…. Like God has been unjust, or forgotten to give me something I “deserve”. This is where I am a bit ashamed. By comparing and wishing my life was like their life I am showing ungratefulness, setting my self up for failure and to be let down, and also setting my self up for one heck of a bad mood. All of this and lets not forget the impact it has or will have on my two beautiful girls.

Do I want them to grow up never finding contentment? Feeling ungrateful even when they have a million things to be grateful for? Absolutely not.

I want to work on being content with my life and stop comparing my self to others so much. Instead, try to just be happy with the life I DO have. The one God gave me without “owing” me one second. The life that could have ended before it begun, and still could end any day He chooses. I’m also going to start reading Ann Voskamp’s One Thousand Gifts again. Yes, I did say again…. :) It is one of the most inspiring and uplifting books I have read.

So join me in finding contentment and learning to be grateful for every thing (big or small) we have been blessed with.

Kayla

Ohh And By The Way

I just realized until my “book” post, I hadn’t updated you guys since BEFORE Serenity started school! So just a little update:

Today was Serenity’s 100th day of school!!! They did a lot of creative 100’s activities. She has such a wonderful teacher, these past 100 days wouldn’t be the same without her. We have been very blessed to have Serenity in such a great school, with such a great teacher.

This picture is HORRIBLE quality but I don’t have time to find the original and I have decided it’s good enough haha. This is Serenity today: 100th day of school (she made the shirt in school the other day) 100 beads on her necklace and 100 dots on her shirt :)

Serenity knows all of the kids names in her class (and a little about each of them). One of her classmate has been battling Leukemia since he was about 18 months old, were all praying that this will be the last of the cancer when he is finished with this last round of treatments (in about a year and a half I believe). Both of the girls remind me every night that we need to pray for him, if you could pray for him as well that would be great. :)

Serenity will be 6 this September and Destiny will be 3 in one month from now. Absolutely insane, I know. We are trying to decide between a Minnie Mouse or Cinderella themed birthday party for the little munchkin but her mind changes hourly, so we shall see.

I now have that piano I told you all about in THIS post, needs a little fixing up but I am so insanely excited to have not only a wonderful piece of my childhood but a pretty cool family heirloom as well. <3 I think it is safe to say, I am in love with that thing.

I FINALY started taking my GED tests! I have taken two out of five, hopefully I will finish fairly soon and get to cross that off my list. That’s pretty exciting. I’m not sure if there is any more to update you all on but if I remember anything worth while I will come back and let you know. :) Have a wonderful night!

Kayla

Some of My Favorite Children's Books and Such

I know this was supposed to be a sewing/craft blog BUT please do forgive me, I have found that I get rather bored posting about the same things over and over so I believe I will try something new.

Lately the girls and I have been to the library quite often (we try for once every week or so) and we have recently discovered a few “new” favorites.

Fairly new favorites:
A Giraffe and A Half / Shel Silverstein
Tell Me Something Happy Before I Go To Sleep / Joyce Dunbar & Debi Gliori
I Love You This Much / Sue Buchanan

Not so new favorites:
The Magic Tree House (series) / Mary Pope Osborne
The Cat In The Hat / Dr Seuss (or really any book by him of course)
The BFG / Roald Dahl
Charlottes Web / E.B. White

Those are all the ones I can think of off the top of my head anyway. I wish our library kept a list of all the books you’ve checked out, then I could tell you all of our favorites haha. We also have a couple favorite movies from the library though.

The Secret Of Moonacre is a huge favorite, about a moon princess and well, I shouldn’t spoil it for you ;) You’ll have to go find out for your self.

The Great Music Caper

Signing Time this is a GREAT series of videos that do a wonderful job at teaching children (and your self) American Sign Language. Now before you close this window and call me a KOOK, I promise you – This isn’t one of those boring “teach your self”/ “self help” videos that you want to turn off five seconds after you turn it on. Trust me, I probably have the shortest attention span ever in the history of the universe when it comes to learning something new. But this is one my kids absolutely love and I even find my self listening/signing along haha. My two year old knows sign language because of this show…. Ok, anyway, moving on now…

I love books, I absolutely love them and I hope that if nothing else I am able to share that love for books with my children. A book is a place where you can escape reality and be consumed by a world of wonder, a world so completely different than your own, and not only that but you can also choose which “world” you enter.

I am currently reading The Hobbit for the very first time ever (at 23 years old haha horrible right?) and so far I am loving it. I saw the movie that just came out first and that is what sparked my interest in the book, there will be three movies so of course they had to end it without a real ending and everyone was left “wondering” until whenever they decide to release the next one so that is why I picked up the book. Did you know right now my library has over a hundred holds on this book??? Insane, right??? I was just lucky enough to find it in the “lucky” section where there are books that aren’t allowed to be renewed and are only available for seven day loans haha. Speaking of which I believe it was due yesterday (but I am not done) I am a horrible person…

So, I thought I would share a few of our current “favorites” and now I think I will get back to that book before the library starts hating me ;) Until next time,

Kayla