I honestly don't even know how to start this post, things have not gone exactly as planned over the last few weeks. It's like dejavu - I was just talking about how my plans and God's plans were a bit different in my last post "
A Little Surprise and The Most Incredible Experience"... Well it seems that when I think I am starting to understand what He has planned for my life He reminds me that I will never fully understand just what His plans are.
I went in to my "first" prenatal OB appointment for this pregnancy Friday, June 7th and my doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She assured me that this sometimes happens because the baby is so small still and can hide pretty easily but she wanted to get me in to have an emergency ultrasound done just so we could put my mind at ease and I wouldn't have to wait all weekend for some answers. Unfortunately that ultrasound didn't put my mind at ease, instead it relayed information I didn't want to believe. The first words out of the ultrasound technician's mouth were that she was not allowed to say anything one way or another and that I would have to wait for the radiologist to go over the scans and get back to my doctor.
That alone told me that the news wasn't going to be anything I wanted to hear. Don't they know those words are a dead giveaway? Then when I asked if she was able to find a heartbeat and she said "No but the radiologist is much more experienced and will talk to your doctor about the results so we don't know anything for sure until then" It only confirmed what I refused to believe.... After seeing my little angel on the monitor, not moving and waiting for what seemed like an eternity I got the call from my doctor. There in fact was not a heartbeat, and I was only waiting for my body to realize that the baby was no longer alive. I was waiting to have a miscarriage. She told me what to expect and what to look out for. I prayed for days for them to be wrong, for there to be some sort of miracle and for my baby to be alive and ok inside of me.... For a whole week I was torn between wanting the miscarriage to happen already if it was going to happen, being completely torn apart and wishing and praying for it all to be some sort of mistake, and for this horrible experience to be some sort of nightmare I could wake up from, not wanting to believe it to be true. For a whole week I could do nothing but wait for the most horrible day of my life yet, and cry, and be angry and ask over and over again "why??". I had just seen the baby's tiny heart beating almost 7 weeks before all of this. Why was this happening??? HOW was this happening?!
... And it all finally happened. Friday, June 15th. I don't want to get too graphic on here but I will tell you,
I could not have, in a million years, imagined a more horrific or emotional experience. It has been five days now, almost a whole week, since that morning and
I still can't go a day without remembering every last detail. Without wondering why, how and was it my fault??? Everyone tells me that it wasn't and that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it but I can't help but wonder anyway. I can't go a day without thinking about that little boy that I will never get to hold in my arms. I will never get to see him take his first breaths of air, smile for the first time, take his first steps... I will never get to know the little person I had growing inside of me for almost 14 weeks... I know to a lot of people 14 weeks isn't a long time, but it is just enough time for an
"embryo" (if you read my last post you know I use that term lightly) or rather baby to be fully formed.
I don't believe God had a greater plan or that it just wasn't meant to be, because if that were true I don't believe I would have gotten pregnant and held that baby inside of me for almost 14 whole weeks. I don't know why this happened and I probably never will. I don't know if I will ever stop thinking about what happened on a daily basis or stop being so angry or upset, but I do know I will never forget. I would never wish that experience on my worst enemy and for anyone out there who has or is going through the same thing, I know there are no words that will make it better but I'm sorry. <3
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